Another Year

So yesterday I turned 30 something.  I celebrated by holding a 4-H meeting about records books.  Those are not the most fun meetings.  But one of my kids told me I must be turning 19.  And they insisted that they sing happy birthday.  And after that, the boys and I had cake.  The cutest little cake ever.

And today we've just had a great relaxing family day.  It's rained and snowed so we weren't outside much.  Today our little baby goat was born.  The mama got had quads.  I totally feel for her.  And besides that, not much.  The boys had a nerf gun target range for target practice.  We made homemade pizza.  Some all natural, caffeine free soda.  And ice cream for dessert.

Now I'm waiting for midnight so I can go to sleep.  90 minutes to go.  The boys however, are still up and running.

So here's to another year.  A year for normal.  A year of comfort.  A year for the family.

The Christmas Letter

It's been busy here.  And we've all passed around a couple colds.  So I didn't pictures taken for Christmas cards.  And I didn't letters written for our store bought box set cards.  So I figured the next best thing is to put our letter on the blog.

So here's our recap of 2016.  Not the best year.  But it wasn't bad either.  Hubs is still working and commuting at the same car dealership.  He's been there over 5 years now.

Rionn is in 6th grade and nearing the end of elementary school.  I know it shouldn't be a big deal.  But it seems like it's the end of the "kid" era for him.  Especially since middle school is in a few months.   He's doing great as always.  Still doing karate.  And went on a big trip this summer with my parents.  He still doing 4-H.  He's taken on a lot this year doing goats, dogs, arts/crafts, sewing, camping, robotics, and cooking.  He's also the recreation officer for his club.  And him and a fellow member are going for their emerald star this year.

Jet.  There was a lot going on with Jet this year.  We continued with mygym.  He's now in their preschool prep class.  And he loves it.   In April, we found out he couldn't hear.  And we went to several specialists and speech evaluators.  No one could find an answer for his hearing loss.  So at a walk for hearing event for his friend's sister, we ran into some people.  And they referred us to the House Ear Clinic in Los Angeles.  They determined he has ears that over produce wax.  So he gets trips to L.A. every 4-6 months from now on.  I can always tell when he needs it done.  It really affects more than his hearing.  He doesn't jump or climb or ride his bike. Pretty much anything that involves balance.   So he now has preschool prep twice a week, speech therapy once a week.  Then he loves going to story time at the library every week.

As for me.  I feel like we're never home.  I'm always shuffling kids to and from places.  All of Rionn's activities are after school.  All of Jet's are while Rionn is in school.  I'm also sewing more.  Although it doesn't seem like I get much done.  I'm also the co-community leader of our 4-H.  And somehow landed a position of the county 4-H management board.  Since Jet has graduated from mommy and me classes, I use that 2 hour block to go the gym.  Or run errands uninterrupted.  Or sometimes if I need to, I sit at Starbucks with some coffee and a book.  I also got to meet some amazing friends in Las Vegas for a reunion/meetup/introduction of sorts.

I won't lie.  It was a rough year.  I lost my grandma.  She was like a second mother to me. Jet's ear problems that lead to us finding major insurance problems.  Hubs had a paycut.  And well, life is hard sometimes.  But that doesn't mean we didn't enjoy it.  We went up to northern California for a family wedding.  The boys and I ran the annual city 5-k.  And then some that day.  Hubs and I went on a couple over night getaways.  We were able to buy hubs a new car.  And the good memories definitely outweighed the bad memories.

Man Is It Cold Outside

We live in the desert in Southern California.  And it usually doesn't get really cold till January/February.  This week has been super cold.  Well super cold for us.  No higher than 54.  And so, so, so windy.  Now for us.  That's cold.  I mean, we only get snow for maybe half a day a year.

So last night was our 4-H arts and crafts meeting.  And trying to find a craft for Christmas that isn't just Christmas, but still holiday, and kid friendly for all ages, is hard.  But I found it.

We made wooden snowman ornaments.  I scoured pinterest and found the perfect way to use our firewood pile since we can't use our fireplace.  So I found this tutorial that takes sliced wood pieces and makes snowmen.

The kids had fun.  And I'm thinking that maybe they can make a bunch more to sell as a fundraiser.  I'm definitely keeping this in our fun to do file.

I think they turned out cute.  And shows every one's personalities.

A Card From Somewhere

Usually I write a blog post about what I'm thankful for the week of Thanksgiving.  And well, we were busy.  And Thanksgiving came and went.  It's a tornado of chaos of kids out of school, kids in school, 4-H meetings, karate classes.  And then of course, there's Thanksgiving at two different places.  And our Anniversary.   And honestly, you can only post so many blog posts about being thankful for my family and friends and church and our possessions.

So here is a partial thankfulness post.  Every year, we always receive an anniversary card.  From our realtor.  We've been together for what seems like forever.  A short forever.  But forever.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  But the way we started caused all kinds of drama and family feuds.  And things have improved over the years.  But it's not 100%.  And I'm not sure it will ever be in the near future.

But there has always been a constant.  You see we bought our house before we got married.  And we got married the next year.  The way our realtor works, she does things by referral only. And she throws a big holiday party every year and invites everyone she's ever worked with.  It's great.  It's like family.  This year our anniversary landed on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  And we got our happy Anniversary card like usual.  It came.  And we've been to my family and the inlaw's houses.  No one said a word.  We did get everyone's crap that they are tired of.   But no happy anniversary.  Which I know is no big deal.  It shouldn't be a big deal.  And we did have a bit of a family emergency at the inlaws.  But zip.   So it was refreshing to get that card.  This year was hard.   I'm still waiting for a chance to breathe.

So here's to us and another year.   And to another 50.  And I'll be looking forward to that card from a very unexpected place.

What? You Don't Sit All Day?

There are many thoughts and ideas about stay at home moms.  The common idea around our town is that stay at home moms sit around and do nothing but eat and watch t.v. all day.  I really wish this was the case.  This week has been fall break for the big kid.  And boy did he have big plans.  Big plans of doing nothing.  But unlike traditional school, the tot still had speech therapy and preschool.  So we were out running errands.  And of course, getting ready for Thanksgiving.  It was a busy week.  But not anymore busy than normal.

So I got asked several times this week if we had somewhere to be and had something to do.  And everything was answered with a yes.  And then I replied that at least we didn't have to rush around in the morning like chickens with our heads cut off because school was out for him.  He looked shocked.  Then he asked with the best puzzled look on his face and asked if we(meaning the tot and I) sat around all day.  I just laughed.

He learned the value of respecting his mother.  And respecting his brother.  He was on the other end.  Usually it's Jet and I sitting quietly while he is off at karate or 4-H events.  This week, he's been sitting quietly while Jet was in preschool and speech.  And next week we venture down to Los Angeles for Jet too.  That will hopefully be a happy post.  So I will go back to my Thanksgiving dinner prep.  And I'll let this week sink into the tween.

The New Coffee Date

When my oldest kid was little, my friend's and I used to have coffee dates.  While the kids were in school.  After the kids went to bed.   Now they are so busy, and some of us have started over in having kids.   So the few of us with tots go to the park or the fast food place with an indoor playground.  Right now, I'm in that world.  But with an 8 year difference, I have a foot on the other side still too.  But with all the 4-H and karate activities we have, I'm going to take a coffee date where I can get it.  Most mother's crave adult conversation.  I am married to that guy who is rarely home and when he is, he isn't a big talker.  He spends his hours at work on the phone and talking to people all the time.  So if I'm not leading a project meeting, I'm attending one.  And I'm going to let the kids do their thing.  The rest of the parents are there and always talking.  So this past week, I've joined in.  We usually talk about adult stuff.  And its fun.  It's nice to have that hour of just letting things go for a minute.  And it's nice to be listened to.  I'm not really sure that they are listening.  But they are playing video games, or begging you to help with trains, cars, snacks, or potty time.

At A Fork In The Road

Almost 4 years ago, I became a stay at home mom.  And now that time is coming to an end.  I would love to just be home.  I would love to be that class mom.  Or be able to work from home.  Jet is coming to that age where he is going to start school.  This coming August he'll eligible(maybe, he still might have to qualify financially or with delays) for preschool.  Real preschool at a real elementary school.  And it's within walking distance to our house.  And while it's only 3 hours and most places won't let me work from drop off to pick up time, I will have that year to decide.  To decide whether my heart can handle being a working parent again.  Or if my brain decides that it's ok to take a risk and start my own business and work from home.  Or be the perfect ideal mom in my head.  That mom who is there fully for her kids and husband.  That mom that when the teacher needs a last minute volunteer, can be there to help.  The mom who won't have to rush dinner and homework because she had a pressing business ordeal or had to work late.  The mom that isn't smelling clothes to make sure her kids are presentable at school.  Or that her clothes are too wrinkled to be working in. I've lived that life once.  And I was a very unhappy person.  I, by nature, am a people pleaser.  And being a working mom to 1 child was enough to pull me in every direction and into place of unhappiness.  So here I stand.  Watching this fork in the road just come at a high rate of speed, it brings me anxiety.  And sadness.  The end of an era.  Our last baby isn't a baby.  He's almost of age to walk into that school.  That means saying goodbyes to the snuggles and park lunch dates.  To the being the person that most relied on.  When we hit kindergarten age, I will have teenager and a kindergartner.  I'm terrified.  One foot just starting school, and one foot heading to adulthood.  A mother's heart is a tender thing.  It's a good thing it's always filled to the brim with love so it can withstand the blows of life.

Food Fiesta

This year, the big kid competed in his first ever Food Fiesta competition in 4-H.  I would like to say that this event has been around forever, since it was going on when I was in 4-H.  But I don't want to make myself sound old.  That being said, I never went to Food Fiesta.  We didn't have a foods/cooking/cake decorating project in my club.  I was more into being a club officer and showing my dog and horse anyways.   But the kiddo's club, we have a lot of projects.  In fact, he's currently doing 13 projects and an emerald star service project this year.

Anyways, back to Food Fiesta.  It usually falls on the same day as his martial arts's studio tournament and the school fall festival.  But this year they all landed on different days.  So we went to all three.  So Food Fiesta has place setting competition, menu planning, cooking, baking, and food art competitions.  However the last couple years, they've added food jeopardy, blind taste test, cupcake wars, and chopped.

He went easy this year since it was his first year going.  And easy still took a car load of stuff to get the job done.  He entered chicken and wild rice soup and got 3rd place.  They said that it needed more seasonings.  But he likes bland food.  So he thought it was perfect.  And it was more edible than some of the other soups kids made.  I was just proud that he did a whole crock pot full of soup by himself.
He also entered the family famous pumpkin bread recipe.  However, he didn't do that one very well.  If he walked away with anything, it was that cooking is hard and long and tedious and there is no half effort work.  He got 3rd place for his bread too.  And finally he made pumpkin butter.  He got 1st place for that one.  And it does taste pretty good.  We've already gone through 2 jars of it at home.

And then he and another friend from our club joined up and did the food jeopardy and blind taste test.  I will say that I was a little nervous when he signed up.  The kid has so many allergies and triggers that I like to know what goes in his mouth.  Our club had a group for chopped.  They are a little easier on the judging than the show is.  Every stays for all the rounds.  They placed 1st for presentation.  And the prize was Barnes and Nobles gift cards.  Which my kid loved because he's a reader.

And then there was cupcake wars.  Rionn and I love the show.  He's been asking when we're going to be on there ourselves.  I doubt we will ever.  I love to bake.  But I definitely don't want to do it for a living.  Anyways, it's not quite like the show either.  They decorate 4 cupcakes that are already baked.  And each cupcake has a different theme.  This year the themes were: favorite book, favorite movie, 4-H, and Mother's day.  So we planned and practiced.   And he did well.  He placed first and was in the running for county winner.  I didn't get many pictures.  I make Rionn nervous.  And I'm nervous enough for him myself.  HAHA.  Curse of a mother I suppose.  

So here are some pictures of cupcake wars.  He is so jazzed about how the day went, he is looking forward to next year.

It Could Be Worse

This week has been a tough one.  Only because the half day schedule of the elementary school for parent/teacher conferences.  At least this is temporary.

So back to parent/teacher conferences.  We had ours mid week.  And I was a lot nervous.  The past couple of years, we've been put through the ringer.  I'm not sure if it was the kid growing up and being stuck between a boy and a teen.  Or if he had a 2 year tantrum about having a new sibling.  Especially once he got some attention because of medical issues.

But this year was different.  He's doing great.  Doing his homework, doing his classwork.  He's not disrupting class as much with his talking.  And as much as I don't like his teacher personally, she's great professionally.  And even Rionn was surprised by it.  He had actually requested her.  So reluctantly, I sent in a form.  And he got her.  He thought she'd be his buddy's mom.  But much to his surprise, he said she was stricter than he'd thought she would be.  I'd like to say that it was karma.  He must have thought he'd get the easy teacher.

Anyways, her only complaint was he sometimes rushes through his classwork so he can read.  He is an avid reader.  She gave them a great incentive.  For every 100 AR points they earn, she'll give them a book valued up to $10 from the scholastic book form.  She said that she didn't know if she could afford him.  He's already up to 65 points.  He has a goal every year.  That goal is to have the highest AR points in his class and the school.  So we'll see where he lands.  He is testing above grade level so the books he needs to read are getting a lot bigger.

So yes, it could be worse.  It has been worse.  But this year, my kid's problem is only from reading too much.  LOL.  And I'll take that.

Things to Remember When Teaching

When the big kid was old enough to join 4-H, I was so excited to become a leader.  I didn't really step up that first year.   I wanted to make sure he liked it.  And luckily for me, he loves it.  That second year, I stepped up as the general sewing leader.  Me.  The quilter.  But we pushed through.  We started with tote bags, and moved onto pillows and pillowcases.  Then we headed into the clothing world with pajama pants.  It's definitely pushed me to keep learning things.

So I breathed a sigh of relief when this year, they wanted to do a quilt.  And since most of the kids are older, they wanted to do a "larger" quilt.  So to make things has "educational" as possible, I drew up a quilt pattern to incorporate several different quilting techniques.   So the basic pattern is a 9 patch with plain squares in between to learn some free motion quiltings and applique and hand quilting.  

Should be fun.  It's exciting to see all the different fabric choices.  but it is definitely a little overwhelming.  I'd like to think I have a house on the larger size.  Until you fill it up with kids and parents and sewing machines.

And I've realized that I have to do as much as I can before hand but still leave some to do to show them.  And I'm basically doing 2 quilts.  Haha.  The big kid is doing his own.  And he's doing a fantastic job.  but as I had all my squares for my 9 patch blocks cut.  I didn't have any of the squares sewn.  I did one at that meeting.  Sewing, iron, sew some more.  Iron some more.  So yesterday and over the weekend, I caught up with the kids.  

Since I'm making a throw size, I decided to make my quilt for #2.  He has this obsession with Curious George.  And he was ecstatic for his Curious George pillowcase.  Haha.   

And although I'm not that excited about this fabric collection, I'm sure he'll like the blanket too.

So now I just need to press all these 9 patch squares.  And at our next meeting in October, we'll be learning how to true up the squares.  And then cutting the larger plain squares.  My cheat move was to have them buy charm packs.  So we'll have one meeting with rotary cutters and safety.  So far, I've been able to avoid the rotary cutter.  It just scares me with kids and toddlers running around and so many kids.  Haha.  Until then, I'll be going back to other works in progress items and UFOs.  

A Quick Hello And Goodbye

Motherhood is hard.  It's often lonely.  The world is full of judgment.  And the worst judges are other mothers.  So when you find a friend or two, you cling to each other till you can breathe and laugh at all the craziness of the past.

I've found a few friends like that.   They are definitely my life saver in the middle of the mother of young tots ocean of life.  And they've been great.  One of my friends announced she was pregnant with baby #3.  Total surprise.  And kind of a welcome gift.  She was definitely scared at first.  She thought they were done having kids.  And since the morning sickness has subsided, she's been really excited about their new bundle.

And then she got some news.  Her husband is getting stationed in Japan.  And over time, she let out that it was going to be 3-5 year station.  So in the next few weeks, we'll be finishing up the baby shower plans and having a quick hello and goodbye.  My dear sweet friend is due in November and leaving for another country in January.

And while we plan on staying in touch, Japan is nowhere near California.  So until then, we'll be remembering the good times and making some more great memories.

So I'll post on here what I made her for her shower.  I know she probably doesn't read this blog.  I mean, we do both have active older kids and very active tots.

I still have to wash it and put a quilt tag on it.  But if life gets to hectic before the shower, I can give it to her.    This blanket is all flannel and backed with minky.  Luckily, I had this blanket all cut out when she said it was a girl.  I'm not sure if you remember that post about a baby blanket for hubby's coworker that was a girl, so I bought some fabric and backing then they said it was a boy.  Luckily, I just switched out some of the panels to fit her better.  

I guess I better get onto using my stash because this blanket is the last one done.  Good thing I have quite a few options in my sewing room if the need arises again.

A New Project

When we went house hunting, the list of must haves were pretty long.   Well, not my list.  But my husband had a ton of must haves.  The thing with being a disabled person, you an't just take any house you want.  It has to be able to fit your needs for a long time with the ability to change if needed.  And we got almost everything we wanted.   Hubs list included a single story house, fenced yard, no sloping yard, double car garage, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, closer to the freeway than we had been.  And of course price range.  I wanted a larger kitchen and a laundry room.  You know, mom priorities and all.  Hahaha.  The thing we didn't get was double closets or a walk in closet in the master bedroom.  

Well, we've moved our furniture around several times.  And what ended up working for us was for hubs to take the closet in our bedroom.  And I would use the closet in the "spare" bedroom.  But then we had another baby.  And I used his closet for a while.  I mean, it was already a big adjustment moving my sewing stuff into the laundry room.  But we were still down a closet.   Then we looked into an armoire.  Do you have any idea how expensive they are?  So then I looked into building one.  And I found plans.  But I'd have to edit them to accommodate our bedroom layout.  And I was nervous about making one.  I'm not sure why since I made our bed.  And it's lasted almost 2 years now.  

So while I was still making adjustments to the building plans, I came across this gem on a buy/sell/trade site.

So while this isn't exactly what I want, it's a great start somewhere.  And it's in great shape.  Really all I have to do is fix a few problems with the door and some scratches on the bottom.  And paint it to match our bed.  So it should be a quick easy fix.  Now I gotta find a new home for my dresser.  I'm thinking of using it as our tv stand in the living room.  And getting rid of the 1980's entertainment center that has probably been handed down several times.  I'm kinda excited about this one.   Quick, easy and lightweight to move.

When It's Just Not Fun Anymore

I started quilting when I was pregnant with my oldest.  I was put on modified bed rest.  And as a 20 year old, there weren't many things that peaked my interest outside of working out at the gym.  And at work, everyone was at least one generation older than me.  And most of them quilted.  I would love to say that I'm a creative person.  But really, I don't think I am.  I'm horrible at crafting.  Even quilting, I'm not that great at.  But I enjoy the energy release from it.  It keep my brain active and still lets go of stress.

That is, until your hobby just isn't fun anymore.  I told myself I'd only take orders that I like/will like doing.   But when it comes down to it, I will always take those big orders that are a rush and aren't worth the money.  It seems that when those tedious orders that aren't worth the money come up, so does some big bill.  And then I get angry that I have that bill forcing me to do something that I usually love that I don't want to do.

And then I have my loving husband.  Who knows that I love sewing.  I mean, he puts up with my sewing machine hoarding, and fabric stashing, and notion collecting.  He always says I should make a business out of it.  But I'm torn as to let go of loving it and doing it for fun.  Or making money at it while staying at home.  Even if it's not a ton of money, anything will obviously help.  Or create more memories with the kiddos at bigger things and places.  But then I think of the what ifs.  What if I get so busy that we never go anywhere because I'm always sewing?  What if I waste a bunch of money on something that doesn't pick up?

It's always something to think about.  Until then, I'll continue sewing things that I'm not always happy doing.  And that's ok.  At least I'll feel better contributing to the household.

The Day I Felt I Failed As A Mother

As mothers, there is something that is deep down inside you that makes you protect your babies no matter the cost.  It doesn't appear until that tiny, fragile human beings get put in your arms for the first time.  And it doesn't matter, big or small problems, we have to protect our children.

Let's start at the beginning.  Three and a half years ago, we brought home a new baby.  We tried so hard to get another baby.  That makes our boys 8 years 2 months apart.  And things couldn't be better. Then our new little boy failed his hearing test.  Twice.  So we went to an audiologist and prepared for the worst.   The mapping said that his hearing was fine.  And they sent us home.  The next 3 years, we had a growing(although a bit slow), healthy, happy boy.  He learned at his own pace.  And he definitely stayed my peanut.  He learned he loves being outside.  Dirt is his best friend.  He is THE definition of boy.  

But I started to notice little things.  Things like not babbling.  Or not climbing on things.   Not talking as he got older.  I'm in an online group of moms.  And it was heart breaking to see their kiddos that were born in the same month and year as mine, doing so much more than my little boy.  And we came up with all kinds of excuses.   He will learn on his own time.  People said it was because we spoil our kids too much.  It was because we taught him baby sign language.  It was because he sheltered him too much.  Etc, etc, etc.  

But deep down inside, I knew something wasn't right.  Our pediatrician told us that she wasn't concerned because of family history of late talkers.  She said to give it to 3 since he barely was under the cutoff for needing services.  So we waited.  And waited some more.  We fought and argued about whether he really needed it or not.  And that's when I put aside the wants of my husband and told the pediatrician that I wanted an evaluation.  So she ordered the referral.  

So one day in March, we dropped brother off at school.  And we headed to the speech evaluation that also came with a hearing test.  We did the hearing test first and then had a 2 hour wait till our speech evaluation appointment.  He did great at that hearing test.  Did what he was supposed too.  But he failed it.  And they said that it was common, but to follow up with an ENT.  Let me tell you, my heart sank right down to my stomach.  That moment is the moment I feel like I failed as a mother.  How could I go 3 whole years without realizing he can't hear.  So as I was running through every scenario imaginable, I held back the tears and waited for our speech appointment.  He apparently needed speech therapy.  They said he was about a year and a half behind where he should be.  I already knew that.

Luckily we got an appointment with an ENT within a couple weeks.  They redid the hearing test and he failed it again.  They told me that he had a 27% hearing loss.  And that he could hear sounds, he just couldn't hear clearly.  Not enough to hear the correct pronunciations of words.  They also said the main reason kids fail this test is because of ear fluid and drainage problems.  However, he was rarely sick.  And had 1 ear infection in his short life.   They gave him antibiotics, allergy medicines and all the while, said they couldn't find fluid.  Then the ENT said that he'd probably grow out of it.  And that his speech delay and hearing loss had nothing to do with one another. 

I was frustrated.  My husband and I were fighting.  He wanted so desperately to believe this ENT.   I wanted to fix the problem.  I wanted my baby to either hear because he can.  Or hear because he has hearing aids.  At that point, I didn't care.  I knew that 30% hearing loss would get him hearing aids, but the government regulations didn't allow them to my son.  He wasn't deaf enough.   And there wasn't ANY signs of fluid to say that was the problem either.  

But you know what.  God did something to I wasn't even seeing at the time.  We changed churches several times.  We ended up at a church with a deaf ministry.  We also ended up putting him in a mommy and me gym program to get him help with his shyness.  Which was partly because he couldn't hear(you know, hindsight is always 20/20).  In that class we met another mother who had a deaf daughter.  And her tot and my tot became friends right away.  It was destined to be.  The specialists at the speech center also didn't like the findings.  And they said they would work with him to get him caught up anyways.  But warned us it would be a long, hard road to travel.

So one day, our new found friends invited us to a Walk-4-Hearing event in Long Beach.  And I ran into several sources.  We told our stories and got advice.  Where the best doctors were.  What the best insurances were.  Where the best playdates were.  And we had fun.  But I still couldn't take nothing as an answer.  So I called one of those places.  

And we ended up at the House Hearing Clinic.  So we traveled a good 2 hour car ride to be told that they normal don't see small children.  And they saw us anyways.  I fought back more tears as I told them that I drove 82 miles to get there and was paying out of pocket for everything.  Because insurance is a racket and is so frustrating.  So we ended up with a doctor.  Who looked at him.  Then looked at the past tests.  Then looked back at him.  She saw nothing.  No fluid at all.  Even with underwater swim lessons that morning.  She said she wanted him to do another hearing test with the children's audiologist next door first.  Then she looked in his ears.  Like so many other doctors did.  Except she said, "Has anyone mentioned all this ear wax?"  To which I said no.  So she dug around and removed a lot.  And then sent us home.   We had to come back in a couple weeks for the other hearing test and a follow up.  

On the way home, my pretty much non verbal tot told me the radio was too loud.  He also repeated the GPS voice.  He was full of questions.  And tried to talk.  It's hard to convince a 3 year old that you can't just turn around to watch him sign on the freeway in Los Angeles.   Haha.  And we headed home.  And within the week following he started going from single words and mostly signing to 2-3 word sentences.  And he started climbing and jumping.  

And that was when my husband said I was right.  I was right to fight for him.  Then we both got mad.  I was mad at all the doctors that would look past the issue and look for something that wasn't even there.  I was mad that the insurance company made everything as difficult as can be because I don't know why.  I was mad at the people who say that my child wasn't deaf enough to help so just to let him be till he either was or got so behind he needed to be helped.  I was mad at family who thought this was a ploy to get attention.  Or thought we were over reacting.  I was a mad at myself mostly though.  I feel like I let my son down.  If I would have fought sooner.  Or harder.  I spent my time listening to everyone else.  Maybe hoping they'd be right.  He'd outgrow it. 

Then we went back.  He did his hearing test and passed with flying colors.  We saw the doctor who told us not to get hopeful that it was ear wax.  She was stunned at the results.  Then she told how often to get it taken care of and to come back in 4-5 months to really make sure it was this "easy fix."  Even his speech has improved so much. The speech specialist he works with said there's a remarkable difference since that first L.A. appointment.  

And yes.  My heart still breaks.  It's still cleaning up this mess.  We still go to speech every week.  I watch him as his personality, that should have been around for a year, start to blossom.  He's talking.  And he's playing like a normal 3 year old.  And he's not as shy.  We still have a long road with speech.  But he's getting there.  And to know that non of this permanent is helping.  But it's a daily reminder of our mama bear instincts.  And that we should always listen to them.

And if you are still reading this, thank you.  Thank you for listening to his story.  And I hope it serves as a reminder to you that you should always trust your gut.  

Summer Fun and A New School Year

I haven't blogged in a while.  Blogger says not since May.  While I've been out of my funk, we've been busy.  And part of getting out of my funk was to put aside techy things of life.   I wasn't not just blogging.  I cut out checking my email multiple times a day, not spending hours on Facebook, instagram, or pinterest.  I put my family first.  I put my marriage first.  And it was refreshing.

The big kid spend the summer with my parents.  On a trip that I didn't necessarily want him to go on.  Not because of anything to do with my parents.  But because I didn't want to let my baby go.  My parents took him to my sister's house.  Her and her husband run a camp.  So my parents got an rv and they roadtripped it all the way to Massachusetts.  I was the nervous mama bear.  My big kid was 11 years old and had never been away from home for more than a few days.   And this trip was 31 days.
And of course, he got hurt at camp.  Nothing like that feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach when you get a phone call saying they are transporting your kid to the closest urgent care.  It was nothing major, just a pulled tendon and hyperextension of the wrist.  

So the summer was basically just me and toddler.  We had plenty to do.  Speech therapy.  Swim lessons.  And preschool.  We went to the movies and on playdates.  And we found out about his ears.  I'll post about that later.  It's going to be a long post.  And we're not quite done with that issue yet.

Right after the big kid got home, we restarted 4-H for the 2016/2017 year.  We went school shopping.  And then a wildfire started.  And he missed 3 days.  2 for the fire.  And 1 for a family wedding.  When we got back from the wedding, another wildfire popped up.  And he missed 3 more days last week.  So here we are in week 3 of school and he's only been there 4 days.  Here's to a relatively uneventful rest of the school year.

And I'm going to be honest here.  I'm not sure how much I'll actually be blogging.  It's going to be a busy year.  The last year of elementary school.  A big year in 4-H.  I somehow got talked into be the co-community leader of our 4-H group.  I'm also learning sign language.  And the big kid is still interested karate and robotics.  So I'm going to assume that we're all going to be busy this year.

Tower Gardening

As a former Kansas girl, and in the farming family, I should be able to grow things.  However, living in the desert of Southern California, it's hard to grow things.  And then if the environment and weather doesn't get your garden, the critters will.  The last 2 seasons, the rabbits and squirrels ate everything.  Hubs protested that I wasn't watering enough.  That I was over watering.  Then I snapped a couple pics of a squirrel eating the zucchini flowers.  And then I texted them to him.  

This year, late one night, I was perusing pinterest.  And stumbled upon tower gardening.  So I researched it.  And came across some interesting youtube videos and blogs.  So we made our own.  It took hubs and I a couple weeks to finish this project.  Apparently none of these people work.  Or they don't have kids.  Or both.  And it was frustrating.  It took forever in between parts.  The waiting just about drove me batty.  But we finished it.  And 10 bags of gardening soil didn't even fill it up.  What I'm happiest about it the composting feature.  You see, my composting bin is also getting raided by the squirrels.  They are running to it every time I add something in it before I get to my back door.  This tower has a center tube for composting with a lid at each end.  I'll post pictures once we transplant our seedlings to it.  

Just A Quick Update

We've been a little busy.  I was nominated and voted to take over immediately for co-community leader of our 4-H club.  So I'm now leading 5 projects.  The co-leader.  And camp chaperone.  I have also been battling depression something fierce.  I'm trying to stay busy and on top of the housework and all of my volunteer stuff.  It's just that life and marriage is hard.  And the many curveballs that my husband and I have been thrown this year is starting to get to us.   So we've decided to put our marriage on the front burner and took some time for us.

The big kid and I are counting down the days till summer vacation starts.  I'm a little iffy on it.  My parents are taking him all the way to Massachusetts so he can go to the camp that my sister and her husband run.  It's a great opportunity.  But I've made it 11 years before he's gone away.  I mean, he's had over nighters.  And weekends aways.  But this trip is going to be 3+ weeks gone.  And my inner mama bear is nervous.  That being said.  WE have almost survived 5th grade.  I'm not sure what was going on.  But it was a rough year.  For the big kid and the parents.  But he's doing great in 4-H.  And he's become an avid reader.  It is hard to tell a child he's in trouble for not doing chores when it's because he can't put a good book down.  Especially one that you, his parents, bought him.

And then there is the little kid.  He finally got some good news.  He's high enough on the growth chart to not be worried about him.  However, he qualified for speech therapy.  And failed his hearing tests.  And I'm so over insurances, doctors, maybe this will work prescriptions, and the government.  At this point he has a 27% hearing loss.  And that number is good enough for him to receive services if we want them.  But he is ok by government standards.  It's laughable.  I want to help him.  And I've come to terms that this may be a permanent problem.  But in the end it can be fixed.  And like my husband said, it's not cancer or terminal.  But he's making improvements by leaps and bounds.

And other than that, the house is surviving.  The cat, the dogs, the turtles, the fish, the kids, the husband, myself, the house.  We're still standing.  Oh yeah, and I got an awesome quilt order to boot. Nothing like a little extra spending money.

When It Hits Home

This year has been a bit rough.  Personally, physically, relationships, parenting.  Just everything.  Then there is a tragedy that hits home.  Really close to home.

Along my way in my parenting journey, I got a computer and internet access.  And with that internet access I came across a parenting forum board.  And I joined and got involved.  It was great to "meet" so many other moms that are going through the same ups and downs as I was and am.  They were an outlet to my relationship problems.  My miscarriages.  My need to have more kids.  My family drama.  My inlaw drama.  There were there with kind words and virtual hugs.

Then facebook came along.  And eventually those moms and I moved to facebook.  Where everything was a little more public.   But that didn't matter, we had already bonded.  So when I got pregnant for the last time, I joined that forum again.  And eventually, it got moved to facebook too.  And once again.  That is fine, we've bonded.   We shared the ups and downs.  And luckily, there was more than me to help me through the age gap of my kiddos.

And with the highs, came the lows.  We saw each other through miscarriages, loss of babies, loss of spouses, loss of grandparents, and loss of jobs.  We eventually started a group to help with these lows. We raised money for flowers, and presents, and funerals.

Then a fellow mom and friend went to the hospital after a miscarriage.  That was in August of 2015.  So we rallied around this precious soul.  We sent flowers and cards.  We sent messages and insisted on updates.  The group decided that we needed to give her something to help comfort her.  By this time, it was January.  And she hadn't been home yet.  So it came to a vote and people wanted to give her a blanket.  So I started on it.  They raised enough money to make it and ship it.  A week after getting the money, I found out my grandma died.  So that following week, I headed to Kansas.  And when I got back, I started on that quilt.  It was going to take a while to make.  They wanted a twin size quilt with pinwheel squares.

February, her husband posted that she passed away.  She had just given us an update a week or so prior to that.  She fought so long and hard.  I was shocked.  And utterly speechless.  It seemed like everything was looking up.  That she was getting better and looking to go home.  I had finished that quilt the day before she died.  My heart was heavy with guilt.  If I would have worked harder and longer, she would have gotten to touch it.   We all cried that day.

Then we realized that she passed away the day after her baby's 3rd birthday.  And we decided that he needed something to comfort him too.  So I made a quilt for him out of the leftovers from her quilt.  And I cried every single time I worked on it.  Which made things move along slower.  But I got it done.  And they both turned out so great.  It was a labor of love and tears.

This tragedy really hits home though.  My baby is the same age as her.  That could have been me through any of my miscarriages.  The thought of my boys not growing up with me.  And worse, her poor baby will never have memories of his mama.  None, besides the stories he's told from friends and family.  And to top it off, she was my age.  It's a pain that no one should have to go through.  Death is hard to go through on it's own.  But to throw in a kids and a spouse.  And all because they wanted to expand their family.  Something that part of my heart hasn't let go of yet.  Even though I got my tubes tied and the dr said that if I try I could end up just in her situation.  Another baby and no mom.  Or a mom to 2 healthy boys.  I chose 2 healthy boys because I had those facts.  She didn't.  And it will always be in the back of my mind all the what ifs.

An Emotional Basket Case

Today I was a mess.  Like ugly crying from the get go.  And some of it may of been from my monthly visitor.  However, I officially have an 11 yr old.  Who is getting into the tween angst movement conspiring to drive mothers crazy.  And the baby will be 3 at the end of the month.

But all that aside, the baby started preschool prep today.  This child.  Who clings to me if someone looks at him, talks to him, or tries to touch him, went to school today and could care less if I stayed or not.  We've come a long way.  His teachers said by the end of class, he was actually trying to say what he wanted.   Which is a big deal since he usually just uses sign language to tell me what he wants.  Of course, we were talking up preschool all week.  And he was really excited.  And once they brought out the playdoh, he didn't even notice that I was still there.

It was such a big relief to know that he did ok.  He's my baby.  Then I took out my phone to send the required picture to my mom, my mother in law, and my grandma.  It doesn't seem like she should be gone.  Or is gone.  Today is one of those days that I would have sent her a picture of the first day of preschool and then called her so she could calm me down and talk me out of going to get him early.  And then she would have called him to tell him how great it was that he did so well on his first day.  But we didn't do that.  Instead, I went to coffee with some of the other moms.  And constantly checked my phone to see if they called or texted me.  Even though I was across the parking lot at the coffee shop.  And then I cried because he did great.  He's growing up and it won't be much longer that any one will be completely dependent on me for everything.  I know this because he's my last baby.  No more for us.  But it's also a little sad knowing that too.  I'm going to cherish this moment for ever.

Rough Start

2016 is starting out rough.  I've been rather quiet on the blog front.  But it's often hard to decide whether I'm oversharing or not.  And to be blunt, I just didn't want to.

We started January with the big kid getting sick.  Not surprisingly it was his birthday.  Have I mentioned that I hate winter birthdays?  I feel so bad for my kids.

Then a crazy inlaw of mine wanted us to watch her girls for the night.  That was fine.  But the constant calling and checking on them was a bit much.  The next morning, I got a phone call telling me that my grandma passed away in her sleep.  She was my rock.  My second mother.  The one that may not have been happy with every choice I made, but never threw it in my face either.  She was also the one that I called almost every single day.  Even if it was to talk for 10 minutes and just say hi.  Which I did the day before she died.  That was rough.  To know that she sounded just fine on the phone not 12 hours before she died.  And of course, I had to keep my composure because we were watching my nieces.  

Then the guilt trip started from my parents on making it to the funeral.  So I got some train tickets, and the boys and I loaded up on a 27 hour each way train to Kansas.  While it was great to be "home" for a day, I wish it was under better circumstances.

The trip wasn't great for the little kid however, he ended up with pneumonia.  That we're still fighting.

And if all that wasn't bad enough, the birthday party for BOTH boys was the Saturday after we came back.  By this time, we were broke beyond words, no presents for them, invitations had already been sent out, and we had homework for a week to catch up on and a science fair project to start and finish.
I'm done with this year already.  And it's only the first of February.  Luckily, we pulled off an amazing party for $60 and enough people showed up to spoil our kids with lots of great gifts.  So here's to a better February.

Here's To A Better Year

I've wrote and rewrote and re-rewrote this blog.  I've also changed the title twice.  It's scary to let go of the demons.  And to put your problems out there to the world.  2015 was hard. It was hard emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

We started off 2015 with having to put a dog down. Which in turn broke my kid's heart for weeks.  I  had some gym failures.  Which physically didn't put me at any better health than I have been in years.  There were big kid problems.  Little kid problems.  And marriage problems.  There were times my depression got the best of me.  There was jealousy issues that led me to questioning my spirituality.

There was also good times too.    And while I'm normally a glass half full kinda gal, 2015 took it's toll on me.

But we survived.  And even though 2016 has started off with a rocky start, here's to a better year.