Along my way in my parenting journey, I got a computer and internet access. And with that internet access I came across a parenting forum board. And I joined and got involved. It was great to "meet" so many other moms that are going through the same ups and downs as I was and am. They were an outlet to my relationship problems. My miscarriages. My need to have more kids. My family drama. My inlaw drama. There were there with kind words and virtual hugs.
Then facebook came along. And eventually those moms and I moved to facebook. Where everything was a little more public. But that didn't matter, we had already bonded. So when I got pregnant for the last time, I joined that forum again. And eventually, it got moved to facebook too. And once again. That is fine, we've bonded. We shared the ups and downs. And luckily, there was more than me to help me through the age gap of my kiddos.
And with the highs, came the lows. We saw each other through miscarriages, loss of babies, loss of spouses, loss of grandparents, and loss of jobs. We eventually started a group to help with these lows. We raised money for flowers, and presents, and funerals.
Then a fellow mom and friend went to the hospital after a miscarriage. That was in August of 2015. So we rallied around this precious soul. We sent flowers and cards. We sent messages and insisted on updates. The group decided that we needed to give her something to help comfort her. By this time, it was January. And she hadn't been home yet. So it came to a vote and people wanted to give her a blanket. So I started on it. They raised enough money to make it and ship it. A week after getting the money, I found out my grandma died. So that following week, I headed to Kansas. And when I got back, I started on that quilt. It was going to take a while to make. They wanted a twin size quilt with pinwheel squares.
February, her husband posted that she passed away. She had just given us an update a week or so prior to that. She fought so long and hard. I was shocked. And utterly speechless. It seemed like everything was looking up. That she was getting better and looking to go home. I had finished that quilt the day before she died. My heart was heavy with guilt. If I would have worked harder and longer, she would have gotten to touch it. We all cried that day.
Then we realized that she passed away the day after her baby's 3rd birthday. And we decided that he needed something to comfort him too. So I made a quilt for him out of the leftovers from her quilt. And I cried every single time I worked on it. Which made things move along slower. But I got it done. And they both turned out so great. It was a labor of love and tears.
This tragedy really hits home though. My baby is the same age as her. That could have been me through any of my miscarriages. The thought of my boys not growing up with me. And worse, her poor baby will never have memories of his mama. None, besides the stories he's told from friends and family. And to top it off, she was my age. It's a pain that no one should have to go through. Death is hard to go through on it's own. But to throw in a kids and a spouse. And all because they wanted to expand their family. Something that part of my heart hasn't let go of yet. Even though I got my tubes tied and the dr said that if I try I could end up just in her situation. Another baby and no mom. Or a mom to 2 healthy boys. I chose 2 healthy boys because I had those facts. She didn't. And it will always be in the back of my mind all the what ifs.
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