At A Fork In The Road

Almost 4 years ago, I became a stay at home mom.  And now that time is coming to an end.  I would love to just be home.  I would love to be that class mom.  Or be able to work from home.  Jet is coming to that age where he is going to start school.  This coming August he'll eligible(maybe, he still might have to qualify financially or with delays) for preschool.  Real preschool at a real elementary school.  And it's within walking distance to our house.  And while it's only 3 hours and most places won't let me work from drop off to pick up time, I will have that year to decide.  To decide whether my heart can handle being a working parent again.  Or if my brain decides that it's ok to take a risk and start my own business and work from home.  Or be the perfect ideal mom in my head.  That mom who is there fully for her kids and husband.  That mom that when the teacher needs a last minute volunteer, can be there to help.  The mom who won't have to rush dinner and homework because she had a pressing business ordeal or had to work late.  The mom that isn't smelling clothes to make sure her kids are presentable at school.  Or that her clothes are too wrinkled to be working in. I've lived that life once.  And I was a very unhappy person.  I, by nature, am a people pleaser.  And being a working mom to 1 child was enough to pull me in every direction and into place of unhappiness.  So here I stand.  Watching this fork in the road just come at a high rate of speed, it brings me anxiety.  And sadness.  The end of an era.  Our last baby isn't a baby.  He's almost of age to walk into that school.  That means saying goodbyes to the snuggles and park lunch dates.  To the being the person that most relied on.  When we hit kindergarten age, I will have teenager and a kindergartner.  I'm terrified.  One foot just starting school, and one foot heading to adulthood.  A mother's heart is a tender thing.  It's a good thing it's always filled to the brim with love so it can withstand the blows of life.