When I Stopped Caring

I'm a pretty self conscious about myself.  I chalk it up to genes, family, and bad relationships.  And I stopped caring about what I looked at.  At least on the outside. Inside, it was eating me up.   And while I didn't like my bigger self, I also didn't want to do anything about it.  Mostly because I didn't want people seeing my workout.  And if only I could control what I could eat.  And I could have.  But I used my single mother, poor college student, and lack of good paying job as excuses.  And then I decided that I should get my butt in gear.  So I would work out at the crack of dawn before the rest of the house woke up.  Or during nap time.  Or in the bathroom at work.  And I was getting no where.

Then I weighed myself one day.  And I was the heaviest I've ever been.  All those times when I was told I was the fat one. Or that I have so self control. I look back at pictures and see that I was just fine. Healthy.  Skinny.  And a lot happier.  At the beginning of this year, joined a gym. I got past the working out in front of people real fast.  But I still hid working out in front of my husband. In front of my kids.  And eating. That goes to a whole new level.

For me, I'd starve myself and then go to starbucks.  I wouldn't order tea.  I'd get the biggest caramel frap with extra caramel and whip cream.  And maybe a chocolate chip cookie to go with it.  Or we'd go to sonic for happy hour.  And even though I wouldn't get a slushie or soda. I would order a strawberry limeade.  Extra strawberries.  And the biggest one possible.  I would also order a snack. To make the drive worth it.  I could have saved so much money.  Invested it into my sewing hobby.  Or into taking the kids somewhere fun. Or to charity.  But I didn't. And that's probably my biggest regret.

See I'm healthy.  I may weigh 250 lbs.  But I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, heart problems.  Nothing.  I'm not even borderline high or low. I'm middle of road on all my tests.

But then I stopped caring again.  My gym membership expired.  And I'm not gaining back all the weight I lost.  I've still got a lot of weight to lose. And since I'm not losing fast. I've put my goal of 25 lbs from July 1st to my birthday.  And it's summer.  So both the kids are home.  And it's so easy to use the kids as an excuse.  And as I was doing a squat challenge in my online workout group, I realized that I was doing it wrong.  I was doing sets of squats, and I would stop when the kids would come around.  Or my husband.  And that's the moment I stopped caring.  I'm doing my exercises whether my family is around or not.  Its good for the kids too. To watch me be healthy.  And to exercise themselves.  Jet is loving squats.  In his own toddler form and way.  And it's stopped the snarky comments that Rionn has been making.  It's been been good.  For all of us.  And I do feel better.  I feel better at being a mom, and a good influence, and just better all around.

So here's to not caring.  And to losing another 25lbs. Hopefully this keeps me honest.  And I lose these next 25lbs.