When It's Just Not Fun Anymore

I started quilting when I was pregnant with my oldest.  I was put on modified bed rest.  And as a 20 year old, there weren't many things that peaked my interest outside of working out at the gym.  And at work, everyone was at least one generation older than me.  And most of them quilted.  I would love to say that I'm a creative person.  But really, I don't think I am.  I'm horrible at crafting.  Even quilting, I'm not that great at.  But I enjoy the energy release from it.  It keep my brain active and still lets go of stress.

That is, until your hobby just isn't fun anymore.  I told myself I'd only take orders that I like/will like doing.   But when it comes down to it, I will always take those big orders that are a rush and aren't worth the money.  It seems that when those tedious orders that aren't worth the money come up, so does some big bill.  And then I get angry that I have that bill forcing me to do something that I usually love that I don't want to do.

And then I have my loving husband.  Who knows that I love sewing.  I mean, he puts up with my sewing machine hoarding, and fabric stashing, and notion collecting.  He always says I should make a business out of it.  But I'm torn as to let go of loving it and doing it for fun.  Or making money at it while staying at home.  Even if it's not a ton of money, anything will obviously help.  Or create more memories with the kiddos at bigger things and places.  But then I think of the what ifs.  What if I get so busy that we never go anywhere because I'm always sewing?  What if I waste a bunch of money on something that doesn't pick up?

It's always something to think about.  Until then, I'll continue sewing things that I'm not always happy doing.  And that's ok.  At least I'll feel better contributing to the household.

The Day I Felt I Failed As A Mother

As mothers, there is something that is deep down inside you that makes you protect your babies no matter the cost.  It doesn't appear until that tiny, fragile human beings get put in your arms for the first time.  And it doesn't matter, big or small problems, we have to protect our children.

Let's start at the beginning.  Three and a half years ago, we brought home a new baby.  We tried so hard to get another baby.  That makes our boys 8 years 2 months apart.  And things couldn't be better. Then our new little boy failed his hearing test.  Twice.  So we went to an audiologist and prepared for the worst.   The mapping said that his hearing was fine.  And they sent us home.  The next 3 years, we had a growing(although a bit slow), healthy, happy boy.  He learned at his own pace.  And he definitely stayed my peanut.  He learned he loves being outside.  Dirt is his best friend.  He is THE definition of boy.  

But I started to notice little things.  Things like not babbling.  Or not climbing on things.   Not talking as he got older.  I'm in an online group of moms.  And it was heart breaking to see their kiddos that were born in the same month and year as mine, doing so much more than my little boy.  And we came up with all kinds of excuses.   He will learn on his own time.  People said it was because we spoil our kids too much.  It was because we taught him baby sign language.  It was because he sheltered him too much.  Etc, etc, etc.  

But deep down inside, I knew something wasn't right.  Our pediatrician told us that she wasn't concerned because of family history of late talkers.  She said to give it to 3 since he barely was under the cutoff for needing services.  So we waited.  And waited some more.  We fought and argued about whether he really needed it or not.  And that's when I put aside the wants of my husband and told the pediatrician that I wanted an evaluation.  So she ordered the referral.  

So one day in March, we dropped brother off at school.  And we headed to the speech evaluation that also came with a hearing test.  We did the hearing test first and then had a 2 hour wait till our speech evaluation appointment.  He did great at that hearing test.  Did what he was supposed too.  But he failed it.  And they said that it was common, but to follow up with an ENT.  Let me tell you, my heart sank right down to my stomach.  That moment is the moment I feel like I failed as a mother.  How could I go 3 whole years without realizing he can't hear.  So as I was running through every scenario imaginable, I held back the tears and waited for our speech appointment.  He apparently needed speech therapy.  They said he was about a year and a half behind where he should be.  I already knew that.

Luckily we got an appointment with an ENT within a couple weeks.  They redid the hearing test and he failed it again.  They told me that he had a 27% hearing loss.  And that he could hear sounds, he just couldn't hear clearly.  Not enough to hear the correct pronunciations of words.  They also said the main reason kids fail this test is because of ear fluid and drainage problems.  However, he was rarely sick.  And had 1 ear infection in his short life.   They gave him antibiotics, allergy medicines and all the while, said they couldn't find fluid.  Then the ENT said that he'd probably grow out of it.  And that his speech delay and hearing loss had nothing to do with one another. 

I was frustrated.  My husband and I were fighting.  He wanted so desperately to believe this ENT.   I wanted to fix the problem.  I wanted my baby to either hear because he can.  Or hear because he has hearing aids.  At that point, I didn't care.  I knew that 30% hearing loss would get him hearing aids, but the government regulations didn't allow them to my son.  He wasn't deaf enough.   And there wasn't ANY signs of fluid to say that was the problem either.  

But you know what.  God did something to I wasn't even seeing at the time.  We changed churches several times.  We ended up at a church with a deaf ministry.  We also ended up putting him in a mommy and me gym program to get him help with his shyness.  Which was partly because he couldn't hear(you know, hindsight is always 20/20).  In that class we met another mother who had a deaf daughter.  And her tot and my tot became friends right away.  It was destined to be.  The specialists at the speech center also didn't like the findings.  And they said they would work with him to get him caught up anyways.  But warned us it would be a long, hard road to travel.

So one day, our new found friends invited us to a Walk-4-Hearing event in Long Beach.  And I ran into several sources.  We told our stories and got advice.  Where the best doctors were.  What the best insurances were.  Where the best playdates were.  And we had fun.  But I still couldn't take nothing as an answer.  So I called one of those places.  

And we ended up at the House Hearing Clinic.  So we traveled a good 2 hour car ride to be told that they normal don't see small children.  And they saw us anyways.  I fought back more tears as I told them that I drove 82 miles to get there and was paying out of pocket for everything.  Because insurance is a racket and is so frustrating.  So we ended up with a doctor.  Who looked at him.  Then looked at the past tests.  Then looked back at him.  She saw nothing.  No fluid at all.  Even with underwater swim lessons that morning.  She said she wanted him to do another hearing test with the children's audiologist next door first.  Then she looked in his ears.  Like so many other doctors did.  Except she said, "Has anyone mentioned all this ear wax?"  To which I said no.  So she dug around and removed a lot.  And then sent us home.   We had to come back in a couple weeks for the other hearing test and a follow up.  

On the way home, my pretty much non verbal tot told me the radio was too loud.  He also repeated the GPS voice.  He was full of questions.  And tried to talk.  It's hard to convince a 3 year old that you can't just turn around to watch him sign on the freeway in Los Angeles.   Haha.  And we headed home.  And within the week following he started going from single words and mostly signing to 2-3 word sentences.  And he started climbing and jumping.  

And that was when my husband said I was right.  I was right to fight for him.  Then we both got mad.  I was mad at all the doctors that would look past the issue and look for something that wasn't even there.  I was mad that the insurance company made everything as difficult as can be because I don't know why.  I was mad at the people who say that my child wasn't deaf enough to help so just to let him be till he either was or got so behind he needed to be helped.  I was mad at family who thought this was a ploy to get attention.  Or thought we were over reacting.  I was a mad at myself mostly though.  I feel like I let my son down.  If I would have fought sooner.  Or harder.  I spent my time listening to everyone else.  Maybe hoping they'd be right.  He'd outgrow it. 

Then we went back.  He did his hearing test and passed with flying colors.  We saw the doctor who told us not to get hopeful that it was ear wax.  She was stunned at the results.  Then she told how often to get it taken care of and to come back in 4-5 months to really make sure it was this "easy fix."  Even his speech has improved so much. The speech specialist he works with said there's a remarkable difference since that first L.A. appointment.  

And yes.  My heart still breaks.  It's still cleaning up this mess.  We still go to speech every week.  I watch him as his personality, that should have been around for a year, start to blossom.  He's talking.  And he's playing like a normal 3 year old.  And he's not as shy.  We still have a long road with speech.  But he's getting there.  And to know that non of this permanent is helping.  But it's a daily reminder of our mama bear instincts.  And that we should always listen to them.

And if you are still reading this, thank you.  Thank you for listening to his story.  And I hope it serves as a reminder to you that you should always trust your gut.  

Summer Fun and A New School Year

I haven't blogged in a while.  Blogger says not since May.  While I've been out of my funk, we've been busy.  And part of getting out of my funk was to put aside techy things of life.   I wasn't not just blogging.  I cut out checking my email multiple times a day, not spending hours on Facebook, instagram, or pinterest.  I put my family first.  I put my marriage first.  And it was refreshing.

The big kid spend the summer with my parents.  On a trip that I didn't necessarily want him to go on.  Not because of anything to do with my parents.  But because I didn't want to let my baby go.  My parents took him to my sister's house.  Her and her husband run a camp.  So my parents got an rv and they roadtripped it all the way to Massachusetts.  I was the nervous mama bear.  My big kid was 11 years old and had never been away from home for more than a few days.   And this trip was 31 days.
And of course, he got hurt at camp.  Nothing like that feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach when you get a phone call saying they are transporting your kid to the closest urgent care.  It was nothing major, just a pulled tendon and hyperextension of the wrist.  

So the summer was basically just me and toddler.  We had plenty to do.  Speech therapy.  Swim lessons.  And preschool.  We went to the movies and on playdates.  And we found out about his ears.  I'll post about that later.  It's going to be a long post.  And we're not quite done with that issue yet.

Right after the big kid got home, we restarted 4-H for the 2016/2017 year.  We went school shopping.  And then a wildfire started.  And he missed 3 days.  2 for the fire.  And 1 for a family wedding.  When we got back from the wedding, another wildfire popped up.  And he missed 3 more days last week.  So here we are in week 3 of school and he's only been there 4 days.  Here's to a relatively uneventful rest of the school year.

And I'm going to be honest here.  I'm not sure how much I'll actually be blogging.  It's going to be a busy year.  The last year of elementary school.  A big year in 4-H.  I somehow got talked into be the co-community leader of our 4-H group.  I'm also learning sign language.  And the big kid is still interested karate and robotics.  So I'm going to assume that we're all going to be busy this year.